When I started this blog, I vowed to myself that I would share it all (whether or not you read it). The happy, sad, exasperating, and anger fueled moments of my Mississippi existence. So, here I am keeping my world. This blog is about how I…well just me. These are some character traits that are seen as both a blessing or a curse (it depends on who you ask). To accompany this vulnerable topic, I’m sipping on some lovely cranberry juice that reflects me: bitter and an acquired taste. Enjoy (the post, not my cranberry juice)!
I’m not the friend whose shoulder you cry on. I’m not the friend you come to seeking a pity party. I’m definitely not the friend you come to ask advice about your on again-off again boyfriend (dump his butt!) I have an Achilles heel when it comes to sympathizing. Yes, I know when my friends are upset, and I do my best to comfort them, but in all honesty, I have no idea what I’m doing. If you’ve ever seen me try to comfort someone, you can see how awkward it is (I possess some Bella Swan level emotional skills), but don’t worry; I haven’t descended into a Charles Bukowski state of life just yet.
“Life’s as kind as you let it be.”
― Charles Bukowski
My friends often get aggravated with me due to my weakness. They need someone to cry with them when they’re hurt, but I just can’t. At first, they would come to me with their tears, and sometime leave with even more. No, I’m not a sociopath (*stokes chin while in deep thought*); I can feel emotions. I can cry and I will cry in movies, books, and songs, but I find it extremely difficult to cry for someone else’s pain; I have to feel it myself. This may make me selfish; maybe I am selfish. I try to understand why my friends are easily upset, but I often don’t see the point. To me, they’re easily crumbling due to the most trivial of things. I like to believe I am hard to deter. It takes a lot of emotion or stress to break me, and I rarely cry over events in my own life. If I come upon an obstacle, I shoulder it and move on. Trying to advise my friends to do the same is rarely met with positive feedback. I’ve been entitled many things such as a bitch, bitter, a pessimist, and negative. I also get this reaction due to my unfortunate habit of telling the truth (the irony!). I don’t like to sugarcoat things, not even for those I love. I’m not the type of person to agree with you just because I love you. If you’re wrong, you’re wrong. In a world where people hate admitting they’re at fault, you can see how this can be an inconvenient trait. Friends and family members now know not to come to me in search of a listening ear (*insert ear pun*) to their pity parties; I tend to tell them when they’re wrong. As a result of this, I’ve lost some friends, but in all honestly, how close of a friend were they if the truth made them run with their tail between their legs? (Yeah, not so close after all.)
“Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone – and hurt them to the bone – you can feel self-righteous about it at the same time.” – Dave Van Ronk
Due to my ability to be honest, many don’t come to me about relationship advice (Or that may be due to my 19 year single streak…who knows?). If a guy cheats, leave him. If a girl cheats, leave her. If a guy isn’t replying to you, forget him. If a girl is shutting you out, abandon ship. If you can’t tell, I have a straightforward view on things. In a time of subtle gestures and suggestive flirting, I exist. A blunt 19-year-old who rolls her eyes at people’s tendency to suppress their actual thoughts with fake smiles and awkward laughs (Yeah…I’m not popular with the boys if you can’t tell).
Another one of my many flaws (they’re quickly adding up, aren’t they?) is my inability to conceal my thoughts. The good Lord gifted me with a face that is quick to show every passing thought or feeling (Maybe that’s not God’s fault; I think it’s probably my own). I know what some of you might be thinking…how refreshing! Someone who doesn’t put up a front. And, yes, it has its advantages. My happiness and excitement are there, bubbling at the surface for all to see…, but so is my anger. And my exasperation. And sarcasm. Are you staring to see where this might be a bad thing? If I’m mad at you, you can tell by a single glance to my face. If I think you’re an idiot, it’s there for you and everyone else to see. Needless to say, I’ve offended many a person without even opening my mouth (what an accomplishment!). It’s also unfortunate that I’m the only one in my family that seems to have been cursed with this. Oh, lucky me!
“The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.” – St. Jerome
So, for others out there as blunt and expressive as I, you’re not alone. I’d say let’s all meet up for a hostile world takeover, but with all that iciness and lack of subtlety, we’d probably all end up killing each other. For now, have peace in knowing that a 19-year-old in rural MS is sharing in your pain. This blog post is entitled “My Achilles Heel(s) for a reason; I see these traits as weaknesses, and I plan on working on them (mainly just the first one; don’t ask for a miracle). I am just 19 years old; I have a lot to learn and buckets of personal growth yet to achieve. Until then, don’t ask me if you’re being over-emotional (that’s a road neither of us need to go down).